The losses I didn't deserve, but mourned them... Friends!

Being the most forgiving person sometimes only takes a toll on your own self. After all these years of constantly practicing various ways to keep my anger in check, the lockdown really did its own magic in letting those buried emotions find its way out. For once when you finally sit by yourself and think that life has finally fallen in place, you have the correct set of people around that you always wished for but alas, life always has to throw a curve ball to make you feel uncomfortable. When you count on your friends over your family blindly enough, I guess it just hurts you deeper than you know when it turns out that none were ever by your side. Over the years I have lost innumerable people that apparently I called Friends, because we spent the kind of time together, invested in each other, celebrated good and bad days together, held each other through our own terrible cycles of emotions. But with time and every passing year, I would find myself struggling all over again to interact with new people, restart life and find my way out. 

All those times when I trusted my friends enough to stand by me in the best of times, I was always presented with a surprise of them never being there. It was always a new set of people around me with whom I would try feeling happy but my heart plainly desired and missed the ones who promised to be around but never lived the promises.

Funny, how easily people leave inspite of promising you the world but those who you don't expect to be sticking around are the ones who turn the world around for you by being there for those miserable moments. A terribly difficult situation for the heart because now I no more know how to believe and trust the new ones I find. The beauty of the loss is that, if you don't find your closure... the guilt of not knowing what went wrong will always haunt you, because how can someone forget so easily like you never existed. Even if you have the courage to forgive them without getting an apology, it has scarred you for life and that will open one day in the middle of the night when you find yourself reminiscing memories of the good day and bleed through your heart. 

If only gulping the fact of not having them around was not enough, you also have to fake a strong face with other people that life is throwing you with without letting them know how much of hurt you have been through. You may enjoy the present moment with the newbies but there will be that one minute in the day where you miss your pack and the worst part is that you cannot even go ahead and tell them how much you miss them because your heart wont get the answer that it excepts that "they miss you as much". 

I don't know what made my best of the buddies never live up to the simple promise of being there as a friend for the best or worst of my days, but I am sure none of them even slightly realize the damage they have done to my heart by just disappearing without any closures or holding those things against me and never finding a way to mend fights. The only worst part of these lost friendships is that no matter how badly I want to trust the new people I meet, my heart will always throw me a warning, that they too wont stay for long so don't get too attached. And when the newbies make promises to help me realize that not everybody is the same, I laugh out loud because all this while none have stood by what they have promised. I was the only one to hold myself up when everyone was busy making a life of their own and still sometimes had the audacity to tell me that I didn't check on them first. How can making even little time for a friend can ruin any of the busy schedule, well I guess it speaks enough of the priorities. I kept them first and I wasn't even there on their list!

If only people came with a time tag, on how long they would stick around, I wouldn't have invested myself so much selflessly and borne the anxiety of these heartbreaks. I am sure that if that feeling had been mutual and may be we understood each other better, the friendship would have never seen the death. I hope that someday life reminds them of why they did what they did and may be not do it with someone else because I am sure not everyone will learn the art of faking the best smile on the worst of days.

The worst part of all this is that, it has only made me a little more heartless. My definition of Friendship is perfectly flawed. It feels like just another bad day when someone decides to leave and life finds its own way. I don't know what real friendships mean anymore because I have mourned so many of them and all I have is just one little thought, did they really deserve all the efforts I put in or were they so incapable of understanding me as a friend that they couldn't lift a hand to save the bond? Did I really deserve those heartbreaks?

When I look at myself today, I am doing perfectly fine without them, living with all those heartbreaks etched in my story which will break me time and again when I sit by myself with my glass of whiskey trying to escape the hurt. But I believe that when the universe takes away something, it gives you something better to look forward to, but sometimes all you need is comfort and assurance. So here I am, ripping off the bandage and letting my wounds bleed, and if you are one of those reading this... thank you for the traumas that will never fade. All I can really hope is that someday they realize, I didn't lose them, they lost me because I have no more forgiveness left in me anymore, I am empty of it!